Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Facts about India

Indian History

Indian history runs from 5000 BC - when Rama fought and defeated equally powerful Ravana and became king of Bharat aka India aka Des - till 2004 AD when India became a socialist country. In between India has been, chronologically, Ramarajya (country of absolute peace and happiness), not so happy country, divided country, medley of kingdoms, united medley of kingdoms, united to fight against each other, divided to kill each other, united kingdoms (not UK), Islamic country, Hindu-Islamic country, Islamic country, market for a British company, British colony, part of British empire, crown jewel of British empire, independent country, socialist country, non-aligned country, communist country, stooge of Soviet Russia, socialist country, capitalist country, neo-capitalist country and again socialist country.

Indian Geography

India is divided into three parts – north India, south India and northeast

North India is located egoistically and geographically in the northern side of south India. The people from this region feel vehemently proud of their lighter brown color and total control of Hindi, the national language of (north) India. The area is occupied by numerous states – some healthy, some sick, some intellectual and some ‘hap without any cause’.

South India is geographically south of north India but mentally very closer to US. This region is sub-divided into four ferociously ‘competitive’ states. Once Gulf used to be the most sought after destination for all able and unable people of this region, but for the last fifteen years that is been replaced by US.

Northeast is a collage of seven small states that nobody cares including the federal government which incidentally cares only for its re-election by any means.

Indian Economy

Economically India is the only country to have gone from economical giant to absolutely undeveloped to perpetual developing. India’s next target is to become ‘superpower’ skipping the next step of being ‘developed’.

Indian Population

Indian population is strictly divided equally on each and any issue. Public opinions do not matter at all in any decision making process, still everyone gives their opinions albeit in a junk place. Under the federal constitution all people are equal but some people are more than equal namely politicians, criminals (superset of politicians), cops, relatives of cops, smart friends of relatives of cops, celebrities and men in Delhi.

Indian Language

English is the only language for claiming respect unless one is a Tamilian. Other significant languages are used by different people according to the following table:

Hindi – spoken by Rickshaw and Taxi drivers

Bengali – spoken by Pseudo-Intellectuals

Marathi – spoken by BEST bus conductors

Kannada - spoken by people from Bangalore who don't like 'outsiders'

Tamil – spoken by proud people

Telugu – spoken by all NRIs in US (Non Resident Indians)

Indian Media

India is the land of “breaking news”. Every minute one news ‘breaks’ in different news channel. Number of news channel is more than the total number of journalists in India. But all the news channel have one thing in common apart from lack of journalists and ethics - they are all ‘secular’.

Indian Social System

Indian society is vertically divided into two key issues - People who supports Saurav Ganguly and people who hates Saurav Ganguly. In other very important issue people are divided on supporting BJP (a nationalist political party) and hating BJP. There’s no scope of middle path or indifference.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Indian Festivals: Things you didn't know

When a school-kid commented “al quedea,,,,,,,,,i mean sanjaya,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hahahaha” in the TMZ site for the allegedly hilarious Sanjaya’s Bill Vendall spoof, I did not laugh. But a little bit scroll down and I got the most amusing and interesting comment which by the way was the reply for the above ‘supposedly’ moronic comment. Here the girl said

You're an absolute idiot. You don't (know) the difference between an Indian and an Arab.

I could care less that you're trying to rip on Sanjaya, but I'm floored that you don't know the difference between countries of origin, and ethnicities and religions/cultures.

Here's a clue: Indians -- from country of India -- are NOT Arabs and their religion is Buddhist or Christian; they are not Muslim. The country of India, and it's people, are one of the most, if not the most, peaceful country in this world; No Indian has ever been a "terrorist".

Actually she posted few more times with lot more ‘stronger’ arguments as to why Indians – whose religion are Buddhist and Christian – are not ‘terrorists”. Nice job girl!!! Any chance you live in Chicagoland?


Now, I was about to unlock my gun on my proud Indian shoulder to fire a hose-full black lava of venoms on American school system as to how ignorant they can be and how ill-informed the school children might be, suddenly I looked into the Indian government website (and consequently put down my gun).

There she is. I mean my India and her official website. Divided the greetings card section – only fun section for school kids obviously – into four categories – Celebrations, Heritage, Festivals and Glimpses of India. Festivals are listed top to down like this:

Good Friday
Durga Puja
Ram Navami
Ganesh Chaturthi
Raksha Bandhan
Makar Sankranti
Buddha Purnima
Rath Jatra

I tried - even with closing my eyes like one Mr. Gandhi told us to do; even with gulping five pegs of vodka over apple pucker and then red bull - not to read between the lines, yet my dumb eyes got stuck there.

Now to display a list of more than one entities of same kind, one has to sort it. So as is the case with Indian festivals – let’s take Indian government site list as a comprehensive list – we can sort it in all the different orders available and used worldwide today - chronological, alphabetical and size-wise (biggest to smallest). Since Eid is kind of variable chronologically, we can take as the year 2007 as has been done in many countries.

Then the three sorting order will look like below:

So are the festivals listed randomly? Or does it represent the obvious open secret?
Here are some well known snippets:

Any flyover or road built is never used by the poor, so don’t build any.
Increase in GDP doesn’t help poor, so there’s no point in increasing.
CEOs of corporations shouldn’t take high salaries because 50% of Indians are poor.
Abdul Kalam can’t be the President because there are people present with equal caliber.
And I’m writing this blog, because I’m a Hindu fanatic.