Facts about India

Indian History

Indian history runs from 5000 BC - when Rama fought and defeated equally powerful Ravana and became king of Bharat aka India aka Des - till 2004 AD when India became a socialist country. In between India has been, chronologically, Ramarajya (country of absolute peace and happiness), not so happy country, divided country, medley of kingdoms, united medley of kingdoms, united to fight against each other, divided to kill each other, united kingdoms (not UK), Islamic country, Hindu-Islamic country, Islamic country, market for a British company, British colony, part of British empire, crown jewel of British empire, independent country, socialist country, non-aligned country, communist country, stooge of Soviet Russia, socialist country, capitalist country, neo-capitalist country and again socialist country.

Indian Geography

India is divided into three parts – north India, south India and northeast

North India is located egoistically and geographically in the northern side of south India. The people from this region feel vehemently proud of their lighter brown color and total control of Hindi, the national language of (north) India. The area is occupied by numerous states – some healthy, some sick, some intellectual and some ‘hap without any cause’.

South India is geographically south of north India but mentally very closer to US. This region is sub-divided into four ferociously ‘competitive’ states. Once Gulf used to be the most sought after destination for all able and unable people of this region, but for the last fifteen years that is been replaced by US.

Northeast is a collage of seven small states that nobody cares including the federal government which incidentally cares only for its re-election by any means.

Indian Economy

Economically India is the only country to have gone from economical giant to absolutely undeveloped to perpetual developing. India’s next target is to become ‘superpower’ skipping the next step of being ‘developed’.

Indian Population

Indian population is strictly divided equally on each and any issue. Public opinions do not matter at all in any decision making process, still everyone gives their opinions albeit in a junk place. Under the federal constitution all people are equal but some people are more than equal namely politicians, criminals (superset of politicians), cops, relatives of cops, smart friends of relatives of cops, celebrities and men in Delhi.

Indian Language

English is the only language for claiming respect unless one is a Tamilian. Other significant languages are used by different people according to the following table:

Hindi – spoken by Rickshaw and Taxi drivers

Bengali – spoken by Pseudo-Intellectuals

Marathi – spoken by BEST bus conductors

Kannada - spoken by people from Bangalore who don't like 'outsiders'

Tamil – spoken by proud people

Telugu – spoken by all NRIs in US (Non Resident Indians)

Indian Media

India is the land of “breaking news”. Every minute one news ‘breaks’ in different news channel. Number of news channel is more than the total number of journalists in India. But all the news channel have one thing in common apart from lack of journalists and ethics - they are all ‘secular’.

Indian Social System

Indian society is vertically divided into two key issues - People who supports Saurav Ganguly and people who hates Saurav Ganguly. In other very important issue people are divided on supporting BJP (a nationalist political party) and hating BJP. There’s no scope of middle path or indifference.

Desi Terminology

Desi

The most significant breed of human being in the western hemisphere (mainly in both sides of Atlantic), who is brown, starving of sex, carries GSM mobile and owns either a Dell Laptop or Toyota Camry.

Origin & Evolution of Desi

All Desis are originated from India, the most confused, versatile, powerful and happiest country in the 21^st century.

After they leave India, evolution occurs in Desis. Few stay as FOBs as always, others try to change and adjust themselves to the ‘Gora' culture and 'Gora' accent. But both of the categories remain equally successful in Gora-dominated countries.

Types of Desi

Mostly all Desis are of same type. Desis in general are called to those people who have a root in India. But there are some people who are not citizens of India and hence aren’t quite like Indian Desis. Generally they are born and brought up away from India e.g. USA or UK. This breed is called ‘Confused Desi’ (CD). Although it has been seen in many instances that the Indian Desis are more confused than the CDs. The examples of CDs are:

ABCD: American Born Confused Desi

BBCD: British Born Confused Desi

Also there are some Indian Desis who are somehow not quite happy with India. They generally dislike anything which is Indian and always try to project themselves as better than Indian Desis. This type is called UBI - Unfortunately Born in India.

Category of Desi

Desis are divided into two categories

• Desi Student
• Desi Software Engineer or IT Professional

Desi Student

This breed is quite prevalent in United States of America. They have all the qualities a Desi should have plus they have that extra power of intelligence or money (not both) depending on their under-graduate college/school back in India.

Desi Software Engineer or IT Professional

This breed is growing day by day and quite happening lot now-a-days. They can be seen anywhere in the world from Tasmanian coast to Alaskan villages. They and their propagators back in India claim to solve any problem in the world but its not proven yet. Although their super-optimistic clients in the colder regions on earth still hope that their problems will be solved; hence they are investing billions of dollars on Desis.

Desi Party

A get together of five Desi guys and the girlfriend of fifth guy on the balcony with a 18-pack beer or a ‘khamba’ of white rum where the fifth guy leaves within an hour with his GF and others discuss the future of India and Indian Cricket for remaining four hours.

Khamba

A 1.75 liter or 1.5 liter bottle of liquor depending on country.

FOB

Fresh of the Boat. Desis who still use water in the restroom.

Gora

White breed of the human being.

Kalla

Black breed of the human being whom Desis envy because of their length.

Chapta

The Chinese breed of the human being who share some ‘qualities’ of Desis, but Desis dislike their food habits.

Laws that control the Whole (Desi) World

1. Principal Law of Desi Philosophy

For every task there exist three ways to perform – the right way, the wrong way, and the Desi way which is doing the right thing in wrong way.

Three main Corollary of the Principal Law

Law of Desi Topology

For every destination there exist three distances to reach – the shortest distance, the longest distance and the Desi distance which is shorter than the shortest distance.

Law of Desi Home Science

Good foods and home decors are available in three price bracket – cheapest bracket, costliest bracket and Desi bracket which is cheaper than the cheapest bracket.

Law of Desi Intelligence

In every university there exist three types of students – the brilliant students, the dull students and the Desi students who are smarter than the brilliants.

2. Global City Theorem

A city that doesn’t posses any Desi in it makes itself null and void.

Explanation of the theorem:

Without any Desi a city becomes imaginary or it doesn’t exist.

Corollary of the Global City Theorem

Global Company theorem

A company that doesn’t posses any Desi in it makes it a one-man company where the owner is a non-Desi.

3. Principle of Company Success

The success of a company is directly proportional to the square of the number of Desis in it.

Explanation of the theorem:

Suppose the number of Desis in a company is P_D and the success in terms of Billion dollars are S_D. So according to principle

S_D ∞ P_D²

=> S_D = K_D*P_D²

Where K_D is a constant which depends on the country of the target company and the value of K_D varies from 0 and 1. Some common example of K_D is

K_D for USA = 0.98

K_D for UK = 0.93

K_D for Chile = 0.11

4. Law of Extreme Desiness

When going gets tough, Desi gets smarter.

Explanation of the theorem:

In the hardest of time, thinking has to be laterally or rather Desically to manage and still maintain a pretty face in front of everyone. For example, one Desi doesn’t have enough money to enjoy a trip to Paris. So he borrows money from friend, buys the latest high-tech digital camera from Victoria Street Argos Store, goes to Paris, takes photos, downloads in to the notebook and returns the camera to Argos for ‘not liking it’.

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